1. I went to Sea World once, and instead of having fun, I just found it to
be really, really depressing. I mean, it was so sad to see those huge,
intelligent creatures, once so noble and free, stuck in that crappy park.
At least they have electric wheelchairs for them now, so they don't have
to rely on their grandkids to push them around all the time.
2. It's hard to really understand how big whales are. Let me put it into
perspective: you may have seen some real fat-ass people in your life, but
a whale is even bigger than, say, two or three of them.
3. Not all whales are huge, though. Some are enormous, some are gigantic,
and others are merely immense.
4. Big whales like the blue and the sperm may be the most well-known, but
there are other whales in a whole range of sizes. Some are only as big as
a large fish, and some are so small you can't even see them with the naked
eye. Well, at least, I've never seen them.
5. People always wonder why whales beach themselves. I think it's
pretty clear that they're being lured in by all the fantastically sexy
ladies who populate our nation's beaches. These are hot-blooded mammals,
after all -- how can they resist a hot, tan ass in a g-string?
6. I've heard all about whales singing, but those aren't songs -- they're
just a bunch of high-pitched warbles and shrieks. Calling that singing
is like calling Mariah Carey a singer.
7. I tried to rent the movie "Free Willy" recently, but I must've picked
it up in the wrong part of the store or something. The one I got was some
freaky shit about this kid and his pet whale.
8. Whales is huge. Even a newborn baby whale is bigger than a rowboat.
Even whale sperms are as big as tuna. If you had a whale sperm, you could
reach right into it and mess with its DNA, and fuck it all up. Of course,
then you'd have to get that sperm into the female whale, and that's more
trouble than it's worth. And don't even think about cross-breeding whales
with people. No woman I've ever met is going to let that happen.
9. I had to read Moby Dick in high school, but I didn't really have time
for it -- what with the getting high, drinking, doing speed, and so on.
So instead I skimmed the Cliff's Notes, and it turned out to be all about
this gay sailor dude who spent his whole life searching for the best and
whitest cock in all the world, and was so into that endless cock-quest
that he sacrificed everything else. Oh, and there was this subplot about
another guy who was hunting a whale.
10. I was at SeaWorld once, watching a boring show, and I started thinking
about how much I'd rather be getting a blowjob. Then the announcer said
something about whales having blowholes, and I got a really awesome idea:
I met the announcer after the show, and she gave me a blowjob!
11. Some native peoples in America defend their right to go whaling,
because it's been an important part of their tribal culture for centuries.
I fully support them in this. What I don't understand is why they weren't
ruling the world 300 years ago, with their explosive harpoon guns and
12. What is it with people painting whales on the sides of buildings?
I've seen this in a couple cities. I guess it's to remind the city folk
of why the country folk prefer to live at the bottom of the sea.
13. Whales, the biggest creatures on earth, eat by filtering tiny, tiny
algae out of the sea, and people say it's amazing and ironic. Then I gain
three hundred pounds eating Kool-Aid mix with a straw, and I'm pathetic.
That's a double-standard, folks.
14. People go on these whale-watching cruises, where they go out to sea
and tool around in a boat, hoping to see some whales. If you don't see
any, well, too bad. Me, if I want to see whales, I just pay a visit to
the Old Country Buffet restaurant. That place is full of "whales" -- big
photos of them, all around the buffet. It's much cheaper than the cruise,
and you also get a delicious, nutritious meal in the bargain.
15. Scientists say that whales evolved from some sort of "land pig" that
returned to the ocean because that's where all the food was. Well, I
decided to test that theory, so I stocked my pool with some delicious
fried chicken, mashed potatoes and coleslaw, and then I threw a couple
pigs in. Well, I'm going to have to call bullshit on that theory, because
all they did is squeal and thrash around for a while, and almost made me
waste some perfectly good KFC.
16. Since I was a kid, I've always wondered what whales were made of.
Well, I went to the library recently and did some research, and it turns
out they're made of some stuff called "blubber". I don't know where to
buy it yet, but I'm finally one step closer to building my own whale.
17. The Hartford Whalers weren't just a bunch of guys from Hartford who
enjoyed some recreational whaling -- they were also a hockey team!
18. If you're going to go whale-hunting, be sure to bring a high-quality,
waterproof case for your harpoon gun. Without the case, they won't even
let you through the doors at SeaWorld.
19. Q: What did the mother whale say to the baby whale?
20. The people at Greenpeace go out and stop whaling ships by getting in
the way with their own tiny boats. What they don't realize is that
they're doing more harm to the whales themselves, because their boats are
made of pure cyanide, which is extremely poisonous to the whales.