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1. Did you know you can take a trip to the moon now? Yup, it's true. I did it. It was fun -- there's all this great cheese and wine, and they have lots of great old art, and that famous tower, and everyone speaks French there. Still, I don't know if it was worth the HUGE price. I mean, I can see most of that stuff any time, back home in Paris.

2. There's all this stuff in the news about the war in Afghanistan. I don't really understand why they need to catch all these tourists, or even why they think tourists would be there. It looks like an awful place for a vacation.

3. When work and bills and stress are getting me down, I like to take a vacation -- in my mind! And by that, I mean I take a hit of LSD. It really makes the work day fly by.

4. I can't wait to retire. Retirees have it made -- it's like a permanent vacation! Traveling around, doing whatever you want to do, drinking out of a paper bag, sleeping in a box -- MAN, I can't wait!

5. I love these new "earth-friendly" eco-tourism packages. They're designed to have a minimal impact on local wildlife, the proceeds go to benefit charity, and they're a great change of pace from all those the baby-seal-clubbing expeditions.

6. The thing I hate about traveler's checks is how inconvenient they are. Like, say you get robbed. It takes soooo long to sign over each and every check to the mugger.

7. The worst thing about traveling is the expense. Here's some tips to save money: instead of taking a plane or a boat, try -- your feet! Instead of eating at a lot of expensive restaurants, eat once at a cheap buffet before you go. And, instead of spending hundreds of dollars on prostitutes, just masturbate a lot.

8. I remember my first Spring Break -- the all-night parties, the wet t-shirt contests, keg after keg of beer, and OH, the LADIES. Yeah. I tell you, after a taste of something that wild, the third grade just doesn't seem so important.

9. I won this free round-the-world cruise, all expenses paid. What they didn't tell me was that "all expenses paid" meant "paid by me". And there were a lot of people on that ship.

10. For our honeymoon, my wife had her heart set on going to Paris. We couldn't really afford a trip there, so I worked really hard to simulate it. I got a really good box of wine, and I wore a beret, and then I gave her a big french kiss, with a mouthful of french fries.

11. One thing about traveling, is that you should really learn the customs and culture of the local people before you get there. In Japan, it's polite to belch after a good meal. In Korea, they eat dogs. And in Ohio, murder is illegal.

12. The terrible thing about the amusement parks now is how many lines there are. You wait in line to get in, then you wait in line to get tickets, then you wait to buy food. The line at the bathroom is WAY too long to wait in, so you skip that. Then the line at the pants store is just impossibly long. Then you have to wait in line at the police station, and then again at the court house. It's just gotten way out of hand.

13. A place I'd really like to visit is China. I'd really like to try the food.

14. I planned out this huge skiing trip -- got all my equipment and reservations, took three weeks off from work, had someone watching the house and pets -- it was all planned. Then, the moment I stepped off the plane, I realized I had forgotten one thing: winter and summer are switched in the southern hemisphere. So there I was, stuck in the Sahara without a single bit of snow in sight. What a let down.

15. If you're traveling overseas, the thing to do is get a good local tour guide. This is one time when you really want to go for the best, too. I had this guy in Columbia who showed me all these secret places in the jungle that I never would have seen otherwise, and although it cost my parents two million dollars in cash, it was worth it.

16. No matter where you go on vacation, or what you do, or who you go with, there's one thing that's always the same: you! Too bad you're such a piece of shit.

17. I love taking a trip to the beach, but I always end up getting sand in my crack. Don't you hate that? It's just so uncomfortable, smoking sandy crack.

18. Bringing kids on vacation can be a big pain in the ass, but they can also be a godsend: in many parts of the world, a clean American kid is better than cash.

19. I see these young lovers on vacation, or on their honeymoon, and they're having a magical, wonderful time together, and for a moment, I feel like maybe I shouldn't rob them, maybe there should be some lines I don't cross. Then I remember that I work for Disney, and I shut up and do my job.

20. Going camping for your vacation sounds like fun, but let me tell you, it takes a lot of preparation and a lot of work, and you'll end up dirty, tired and hungry. You're way better off renting a "cabin" at some park, preferably one with a pool. Still, the food's going to suck, the bugs will be awful, and you're going to be uncomfortable the whole time. Really, the best thing is to stay in a nice hotel, and then when you get back to work put an Ansel Adams calendar on your desktop, and maybe use a carabiner for your keychain. That's what it's all about, right there.

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