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Sleep

1. In some cultures, sleep is known as "the little death." In others, it is called "the quiet time." I call it "Wet Dream City, USA."

2. When Big-boned Tony told me I'd be sleeping with the fishes, I assumed he was just being metaphorical. However, he meant that I would literally be sleeping with the fishes -- Ed and Jerry Fish, to be exact. And let me tell you, these two guys snore like you wouldn't believe.

3. You know that adjustable bed they sell on TV, the one that costs "hundreds of dollars less than some flat beds"? Well, I checked it out, and it's true -- it does cost less than, say, a bed MADE OUT OF PURE GOLD. Also, it's a lot more comfortable than the gold bed.

4. Did you hear about the narcoleptic necrophiliac nymphomaniac? He's in the psychiatric ward, because he's a very sick man.

5. I used to love the story of Rip Van Winkle when I was a kid -- how he fell asleep for hundreds of years, and then woke up in a world he didn't understand, accused of a crime he didn't commit, and had to kill his way to freedom. That was totally my favorite story.

6. Man, I used to do all-nighters all the time back in school. It was crazy, how we'd just go for hours and hours -- drinking all that coffee and coke, eating tons of candy and pizza, sucking all those cocks... I'm glad those days are over.

7. I used to have insomnia real bad, and the thing that sucks about it most is being stuck there. You can't go out, you can't crank up the music, so what're you going to do? Pay attention to the teacher?

8. Sometimes people say they've "slept like a baby," like that's a good thing. I don't know about you, but my idea of a good night's sleep does NOT involve being stuffed in a box and shaken to sleep.

9. I find that having a little nightcap really helps me get to sleep after a hard day of stress and work. On the worst days, I have little pajamas and a little teddy bear too. And I drink a shot of whiskey.

10. They say that if you dream that you're falling and you don't wake up before you land, you'll actually hurt yourself. That's such crap. If things worked that way, there wouldn't be a single librarian in the country who wasn't carrying one of my kids yet.

11. I have such a problem getting up for work in the morning. If I can't figure out how to show up on time, these guys are never to going to start paying me.

12. I got SO good at sleeping in class -- I mean, I would sit there with my head up and my eyes half-open, and I'd wake up if class ended or the teacher came by. It was great. Now I work part-time at a McDonalds.

13. I think I'm addicted to sleeping pills. With my wife and kids and the pets all running around, I can't get through the evening without six or seven pills. Sometimes it's so bad, I'm even tempted to take one myself.

14. I've tried to explain to my boss that I really need a nap after lunch, but every time I try to curl up in the cockpit for a few Zs, he keeps kicking me awake. Thanks a lot, Captain Dickweed.

15. I used to really love having sleepovers, but then the other kids found out I wasn't a girl, and then their parents found out I wasn't a kid, and it pretty much went downhill from there.

16. Nothing puts me to sleep like a big, thick, heavy book. Four or five sharp strikes to the forehead, and I'm out for the night.

17. The part I hate most about sleeping in a bunk bed is trying to figure out who the fuck is in the other bunk.

18. You know how sometimes you wake up at like 6 or 7, and you look at the clock and you can't figure out if it's morning or evening? And then you notice there's blood in your hair, and you can't remember where those ankle chains came from? I hate that. Also, when you wake up in a puddle of drool. That sucks too.

19. Here's my problem with the idea of "The Sandman": some guy travels the whole world every night, putting goop in everyone's eyes -- that just cannot be hygienic.

20. I used to hit the snooze button on my alarm clock over and over every morning. Then one day I started really thinking about it, and I came up with an excellent invention that totally fixed my snooze button once and for all. I call it the "Snooz-o-matic 3000", and it looks a lot like a hammer, with one key difference: it's a hammer.

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