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Shoes

1. I hate it when people call their sneakers "tennis shoes" -- as if they've ever played tennis with them! You play tennis with a racket, jackass.

2. Some people make fun of the Dutch, just because every single one of them wears wooden shoes. Well, wearing shoes made from trees isn't really that strange: our shoes are made of rubber and leather, which also come from trees. So it's ... what? Leather doesn't ... from where? COWS? Good fuck, that's disgusting! I'm wearing cows on my feet? God, that's foul. Cows are food.

3. You might be surprised to learn that Nike's most famous shoe designer, Michael Jordan, got his start as a basketball player. He was actually pretty good.

4. I don't buy Nike shoes because they're made in sweatshops. Why would I want to pay extra to get shoes that are pre-sweated? I can do that myself for free.

5. People with a shoe fetish are total freaks. I mean, what's so damn sexy about shoes? They don't remind me of horses at all.

6. When I was kid, I was pretty stupid. I thought that buying new shoes would give me more running speed. Now I know that running more speed buys me new shoes.

7. I have a friend who went to school to be a shoe designer. What kind of job is that? Shoes are pretty much set by now, aren't they? What's he going to do, invent some kind of new "third shoe"? Shoes for your face or something? Whatever. Good fucking luck, shoe-dork.

8. You know why horses have their shoes nailed on? Because they can't tie laces!

9. For a long time when I was a kid, I thought shoe horns were a musical instrument that you played with your feet. Then I finally realized that I was confusing them with saxophones.

10. I bought one of those shoe-shine machines from The Sharper Image, and let me tell you, it was a total rip-off. I followed the instructions to the letter, and it didn't do a damn thing for my sandals.

11. When I was a teen-ager, I started wearing my sneakers with the laces untied. I guess this way my way of rebelling against my parents, who were always trying to control every aspect of whether or not I fell on my face.

12. The great thing about wearing loafers is that they're specifically made for one thing: loafing. Like, say you "accidentally" wear your loafers to work one day. You have free license to loaf around all day! Sweet.

13. This morning I was taking a shower, and I looked down and realized I was still wearing my shoes. I started to freak out, but then it turned out that I hadn't been wearing shoes for months. It was just a hard layer of filth on my feet.

14. You know who I'd really hate to be? The shoe-shine boy at the airport. You sit in that stinky terminal all day, cleaning all the filth and gum and shit off peoples' shoes, and then when you're done, I spit on you instead of giving you tip.

15. You know what's a great job, though, is cobbler. Being a cobbler is awesome: you spend your whole day cobbling! You can some cobble shoes, and then cobble some boots, and then maybe you cobble some, uh, hats or something. I mean, I guess you can pretty much cobble whatever you want, right? Just cobble on, might cobbler! Cobble for freedom!

16. I saw this pro athlete doing commercials for a new shoe, telling kids that it will make them run faster and jump higher, and so on. I can't believe they can get away with this. If I were an athlete, I'd kick this guy's ass for giving away all our secrets.

17. You know shoehorns, those things you use to squeeze your foot into a shoe? If you ever get the bright idea to use one of these for "lovemaking," you must remember to wash it first. They taste terrible.

18. You know that saying, "If the shoe fits, wear it"? Well, it turns out it's only half right.

19. You can tell a lot about people from the shoes they wear. Like that guy there, for instance. You can tell that he's rich, because his shoes are made from huge hollowed-out diamonds. Those are only made in Italy, and they're really expensive to import.

20. One of the main reasons I got into sports in high school was so I could wear cleats. There's something so cool about the way they just dig into the ground. Also, they helped me go all-state in wrestling three years in a row.

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