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Public Transit

1. To get to work, I have to take a bus, switch to a train, transfer to another train, then catch another bus. I tell ya, I could walk there faster -- but then, I do work at home.

2. If I were rich, I'd buy my own bus, and I'd drive it all over town. I'd go to each bus stop and say, "You going to my house? No? Well, too bad."

3. I always worry that the train might get stuck in a tunnel, and the tunnel would flood, and then we'd be attacked by sharks. But then, I also worry that it might break down on a bridge, and then we'd be attacked by flying sharks.

4. Some people think that public transit is only for people who are fat, old or lazy. Not true! It's also for people who aspire to being fat, old and lazy. Like me.

5. It must be fun to be a subway conductor, but only if you're driving the car in front. Because if you're in one of the other cars, you don't have any choice but to follow the guy ahead of you, and that's no fun.

6. I once saw a dog waiting at the bus stop. We both waited a while, and then this bus comes, and it's driven by a dog! And all the other passengers are dogs too. The dog gets on, and away it goes! True story.

7. I don't like to buy subway tokens, because they look exactly like money, and I keep trying to eat them.

8. I always end up in the first or last car on the train, which is where all the crazies and bums hang out. They're always stinking and talking crazy and bothering me, and I'm like, "Hey! I'm trying to take a bath here! Back off."

9. One thing that's great about the train is that I get a lot of reading done. I read mysteries, thrillers, romance -- all sorts of things. I just wish people could hold their books a little steadier, so maybe I could finish one some day.

10. You know when you're walking around and you have to take a leak, real bad? So you stop somewhere, but they make you buy something just so you can piss there? I've ended up with *so* many extra metrocards that way.

11. Here's a tip: to avoid crowded subways, try showing up to work a little early. I know it's a pain, but it's really worth it: I find that if I head in to the office at three in the afternoon instead of four, the ride is much more pleasant, and I arrive relaxed and ready for a long hard day.

12. One great thing about the subways is the free entertainment. There's always people playing the banjo, and breakdancing, and doing magic tricks too. When I used to drive to work, I had a hard enough time doing even one of those things.

13. The single best thing about the subway: all the free kleenex you want, as long as you're not too picky.

14. I hate it when people hold the doors open on the subway. It's like, I'm sorry you have problems, but we've all got places to be. So what if your leg is stuck? Chew it off or whatever. I'm late for work.

15. I'm sitting on the subway reading the paper, minding my own business, when this lady squeezes right up next to me. The train's not that crowded, so I'm wondering what her problem is. She's squished right up to me, and keeps giving me dirty looks, so finally I decide to be the nice guy and move. Did I get any thanks? No! All this ingrate can say is, "Stay out of the conductor's booth!" I mean, the nerve of some people!

16. This guy the other day has his bike on the train, which normally isn't so bad. However, it got really annoying, because the train was really crowded, and the air conditioning wasn't working, and he just wouldn't stop revving the engine.

17. I wish the buses were just a bit more reliable. I waited by a bus stop sign for like two hours the other day, and the bus never came. I suppose maybe they couldn't see the sign or something, but I stuck it in the floor right next to my couch, plain as day, so that's no excuse.

18. I got on the bus today, and found that I didn't have correct change. I started asking if anyone had change for me, and not one person there would help out. I beg and I plead, and no one even bothers to check their pockets! I mean, what a bunch of stuck-up assholes. Someone there had to have had change for a thousand, I know it.

19. My favorite thing about mass transit is the "mass" part -- it's not just for energy!

20. What if you're driving and your car breaks down? What're you going to do, get out and push? Fat chance, fat ass. That's what's great about the subway. If it breaks down, you've got a couple hundred people there to push for you.

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