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Post Office

1. I heard that you're supposed to leave a bottle of liquor in your mailbox at Christmas, as a gift for your mail carrier. I don't know what they like, so I just left my favorite: a 40-ounce bottle of Old English Malt Liquour. It's January now, and the bottle hasn't been picked up, but maybe they haven't been delivering mail. I mean, I haven't received any in a while.

2. Another nice thing you can do for your mail carrier in the summer: on some day when it's really super hot, leave an ice cream sandwich or a sundae in the mailbox. That way, when they reach in to grab your mail, they'll find a delightful treat! Another option is just to drop a glass of ice water into one of the big blue mailboxes, so they can pick it up any time.

3. I had to mail out some chickens recently, so I sent them "balk" mail.

4. Sorry about that last joke. I guess it was a bit of a "mail bomb".

5. I had to mail something in a hurry, so I went to the post office and asked to send it Air Mail. The jackass behind the counter was like, "Send it normal mail, it'll only take a couple days." I told him, "In a couple days, my house will have burned down! Now, Air Mail this to the fire department for me, or I'm going to write a letter to your boss about your attitude!"

6. Here's a time-saver: I found out recently that to send letters by Air Mail, you don't have to fold them into paper airplanes.

7. I have the largest stamp collection in the world. It's not like you can use stamps that big to mail things.

8. I have one of the largest stamp collections in the world. Here's my secret: instead of going for rare or curious stamps, I go for the cheapest! I now have more than fifty thousand one-cent stamps!

9. When mailing packages, write "Not a bomb" in big letters on them. Be sure to write the word "bomb" real big, so they can see it. Use red paint maybe.

10. At the post office the other day, I ran into my friend who runs the Anthrax Fan Club. He looked really down, so I asked if the anthrax scare had been making things difficult. "No," he said, "it's just that I recently realized that Anthrax's music really sucks."

11. In today's politically correct madness, it's no longer appropriate to say "mailwomen". They prefer "transsexuals", or even better, "Alexandra".

12. Mailman: "You need to make your dog stop attacking me." Me: "Hey, I can't control him. He's a dog. He doesn't 'get' English." Him: "Well, could you stop feeding him ground beef out of a mail bag?" Me: "Could, but won't. Maybe YOU should stop being made of meat."

13. Birthdays are fun and all, but I always hate the part where I have to go down to the post office to pick up all my gifts. I have to get up early to go there before work, then I have to wait in a long long line, then the inept postal workers spend like an hour searching for my packages, and then it turns out that nobody sent me anything, yet again. What a stupid process.

14. I was a mailman for a little while, but I had to quit. I got the job because I figured I'd meet lots of sexy, lonely housewives, sitting at home all day in their flimsy negliges, waiting for some man -- any man at all -- to come to their door and give some meaning to their sad lives. Well, let me just tell you, it wasn't quite what I expected: you have to deliver mail too.

15. The post office is such a bait-and-switch scam! I was moving, so I went in there with an empty moving box and asked how much it would cost to ship. They told me it was about two bucks, so I went home and packed up my books, my weight set, my rock collection -- all my stuff. Then I haul all these boxes to the post office, and suddenly the price has skyrocketed! What a rip-off.

16. Sometimes, for fun, I'll write a really deranged letter to myself, and then I'll sign it with some celebrity's name and mail it. When it gets delivered, I mark it "Return To Sender" and put back in the mail. I figure if I do that enough, someone famous is bound to start stalking me.

17. I went to the post office, and I asked the women behind the counter, "Do you have any posts I can buy?" She said no. So I said, "Do you want to buy some posts?" She said yes!

18. FedEx and UPS have their advantages, but the good old U.S. Post Office is still nice, especially when you want to save some money, or you're not in a big hurry, or maybe you don't care if what you're sending ever arrives at all.

19. What's up with this "Postmaster General" dude? He thinks he's so great, but he's not even a general -- he's just some asshole who keeps throwing his trash on my lawn.

20. I hate when I order pornography by mail, and when it appears in my mailbox it's been opened already. Knowing that the mailman has already masturbated to it, kinda takes all the magic out of "Barnyard Bozo and his Animal Pals".

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