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Local Politics

1. I don't understand why some people want to be on the local school board. I went to one of those meetings one time, and it was more like a school "board." As in, those people were as thick and wooden as a piece of timber. Boring, too.

2. I always wanted to be mayor, and the close-minded people of my town told me I couldn't do it. Well, let me tell you, don't ever listen to those naysayers. I kept trying and trying, bringing my case to the voters, campaigning every year, election or not. And finally, after sixteen long years, I did it -- I got them to change my title from "city manager" to "mayor."

3. Let me tell you, being a State Senator sucks some major wang. It's like dreaming of being a rock star, and then ending up in a fucking cover band. The perks are for shit -- no free parking spaces, no "fact-finding trips" to Jamaica, no bribes over twenty bucks! It's really way, WAY shittier than I expected it to be. So, that's why I think I should be your next US Senator.

4. I was down by the courthouse the other day, so I stopped in to see if they had an openings in the judge department. Right away, the dude there gets all uppity at me, asking where I went to law school and such. I was like, "Hey jackass, I said I want to be a judge, not a lawyer." He kept blowing me off, so I gave him my big speech about how everyone's equal, and aren't we all brothers or whatever, and finally he gave me an application. And then, after all that, I find out you can't be a felon and a judge, so I decided to stick with felon.

5. The chief of police here is really tough on crime, I found out -- if you're gonna bribe him, make sure it's not with counterfeit money.

6. You can't fight city hall, man -- that shit's made of granite!

7. If you're thinking about running for treasurer, let me give you a little warning -- you're not really supposed to bury all the city's funds in a chest, and if you do, you've GOT to draw a really good map of where you put it.

8. Similarly, the fire commissioner doesn't so much commission fires, as try to keep them from happening. Whoever named these jobs was a real asshole.

9. So, I got elected to the school board recently, and it's totally awesome. I just did it on a lark, but it turns out I now get paid to fix up my old high school! I started an open dialog between students and administrators, teachers are actually listening to their pupils, and for the first time in like forty years, attendance is way up. Oh, and I made it so teacher raises are based on breakdancing skill.

10. I remember the summer I turned nine years old, I walked into the mayor's office at city hall and asked if there was anything I could do to help my country. They all thought it was so cute that I wanted to help out, so they let me stamp envelopes and empty trash cans and stuff. I may not have been doing anything important, and they didn't pay me, but I really learned a lot about civil service that year. And, I embezzled more than $75,000 in under 4 months.

11. All that annoying partisan rhetoric and fighting aren't limited to just the national government: in the tiny town I grew up in, the city council was always split between the "Shoes is Classy" Party and the "Ain't Need Shoes" Party.

12. The nice thing about small-town politics is that, with everyone knowing each other, problems get worked out real fast, the old-fashioned way. I bet if we got the US Congress to sit down around a campfire, with just a deck of cards, a bottle of moonshine, some hot pokers, a sack full of rattlesnakes, a length of stiff rope, a bucket of pitch, and a handful of ball-bearings, they'd work things out in no time.

13. I couldn't afford to buy my way into office, like all the fat cats in Washington DC, so I had to do it the hard way: I gave oral sex to 51% of the registered voters in the county.

14. The most awesome thing about being mayor is the gavel. You start banging that thing, and people have to pay attention to you. Wait.. what? There's no gavel? Well, fuck this then. I'm going back to dentistry.

15. Being an elected city official for me is just a stepping stone. It may take a while, but it'll get me into state politics. Then from there, with a lot of hard work and time, I can move up to the national level. And that, of course, will help me get my foot in the door of my true goal -- Hell.

16. All this mess with the presidential vote was just ridiculous! All the different ballots, and the recounts, and the courts -- what a bunch of bullshit. What we need is the simplicity of small town voting: everyone stops by the general store after church one Sunday, writes down their vote, and drops it in the empty licorice bin on the counter. At the end of the day, the sheriff gathers up the ballots, throws them away, and declares Boss Tate to be mayor for another four years.

17. What I really like about local, grass-roots politics, is that it draws out all the people in the community who want to make a difference, and it places them in pointless civil-service jobs where their meddling can't hurt anyone.

18. If you want to make it in national politics, you need to get involved in things on the local level first: run for an office, study the issues, and talk to your constituents. That experience, though difficult and time-consuming, is the only way to enter the rewarding field of public service. Well, that, or you could be born really fucking rich. That's the other option, I guess.

19. The mayor of my town bought himself a new car last year with city money. I think the people would've been okay about it, except that the mayor doesn't even have a driver's license, he lives next door to city hall, there are no roads in our town, and the car he bought is a Ferrari that runs on crushed diamonds.

20. I was trying to run for mayor of my town, but then I found out that we don't even have a mayor, because we're not technically a town. And then right after that, I found out that I'm not allowed to live in the Record Town at the mall any more.

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