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Laundry

1. If I were rich, instead of doing laundry when my clothes got dirty, I'd go buy a whole new wardrobe. Then I'd put all the dirty clothes in the wardrobe, and go buy new clothes.

2. In college, when I didn't have enough money to do laundry, I'd just go visit my parents. They always leave money laying around.

3. I love the convenience of having a washer and dryer in my house. It makes a great backup, in case the laundry service every goes out of business.

4. I prefer to get my clothes dry-cleaned. It's safer, and a whole lot easier, really. Wait, dry-cleaning is when you rub deodorant all over your clothes, right?

5. When I do laundry, I always end up losing a single sock. I hate that! I can't count how many times I've gotten blisters on my feet from wearing only one sock.

6. They've invented this new line of disposable clothing, to make you buy more. To keep you from washing them, they dissolve in water. That's good for them, I guess, but my fish aren't going to be happy about being naked all the time.

7. I hate using the public laundromat, because it's always full of freaks. There's the Naked People, washing their one set of clothes; the Friendly People, who won't stop talking to you; the Folders, who get all anal about folding everything. Oh, and worst of all are the Dryer-Lint Nuts, who have to throw every last bit of their dryer lint away. What the fuck do they care if I collect their lint and take it home?

8. I'm not a big fan of video games, but there's this one arcade nearby that I love. I'm really good at this one game: it costs a buck, and if you win, your clothes get washed. I can't seem to figure out their other game, though.

9. What's the deal with fabric softener? I can't figure that shit out. No matter how many I use, it doesn't seem to make any difference. Maybe I'm just wearing it wrong, I guess.

10. I went to the laundromat the other day, and all I had to wear was an old clown wig, a green suit jacket and some fake leather pants. I was so happy to finish my laundry and get out of there, so I could put on my new clown wig, my purple suit jacket, and my real leather pants.

11. I have a complex system set up for my clothes: my clean clothes go in one closet; stuff I've worn once goes in the other closet; clothes I can wear to the gym go over the chair; clothes I've worn a few times goes in the hamper; clothes that I've worn more than ten times go in the laundry basket by the stairs; things that I've puked or pissed on go in the box in the bathroom; and clothes that someone else has puked or pissed on go in the box by the stairs. Oh, and dirty clothing goes in the laundry bag.

12. I had this bright idea on how to save money with my laundry service: you see, they charge by the pound, so I filled the extra space in my laundry bags with helium balloons. The trick worked, but they must've noticed my scam, because they got revenge by doing a really shitty job of washing the balloons.

13. I used to think dry cleaning was some sort of crazy magical process, but then I found out that all they do is wash with chemicals instead of water. Heck, I've got plenty of chemicals at home -- why should I pay them? What a rip-off.

14. The other day I accidentally left a pen in my pocket when I did the wash. Well, all my clothes came out with ink stains, and I was pissed. It worked out alright, though -- I just ran them through the washer again with a bottle of white-out in the pocket.

15. My washing machine broke, so I thought I'd be clever and put my clothes in the dishwasher. Well, it sorta worked and sorta didn't. My clothes came out mostly clean, but when I ran them through the dryer, all my dishes broke.

16. The bad thing about having shared laundry in your apartment building is the theft: they know it was someone in the building, and they'll eventually find you.

17. There are so many different kinds of laundry detergent out there, I can't even figure out which one to buy. So, I just use whatever I can steal from the other people at the laundromat.

18. This dude I used to live with would never, ever do his laundry. It would pile up, and start rotting and stinking, and finally I'd have to do it myself. He just refused to do it, so finally I had to switch him over to disposable diapers.

19. The foreign guy at the laundromat always hassles me about getting quarters out of his change machines. He's like, "Quarters for laundry only! You no take!" I try to explain to him that the quarters are for laundry -- at my laundromat, down the street -- but he just doesn't understand me, I guess.

20. I started using this laundry service recently, and it's great. They wash and fold all your clothes for you, and it's way cheaper than doing it yourself. I'm not sure how they manage that, but I think they have some sort of industrial washing machines that let them wash more than one thing at a time. Very clever!

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