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Horse Racing

1. I could never be a jockey, because I'm the wrong size. To ride a horse properly, you have to be really well-hung, otherwise the horse won't even feel it.

2. Did you know a human can beat a racehorse? Yeah, you just need a stick.

3. Did you know a human can beat a racehorse in a short race? The trick is to get on the horse before the race starts. And also, don't forget your stick.

4. Did you know a human can beat the hell out of a racehorse? It's true.

5. In horse racing, they have this "Triple Crown" of races. If one horse wins all three, it is crowned King, Queen and Jack of All Horses for the next year. The only thing that's better than that is four aces.

6. If a horse is really good at racing, the owner might "put it out to stud," which means that the horse gets to screw a lot of other horses. If they did this with people, then maybe I wouldn't have quit running track in high school. I love to screw horses.

7. I was at this party recently with some jockeys. They're really short, but yet they have jobs and they're popular. They're like midgets with attitude!

8. I thought up a new kind of triathalon: first you race a horse around a track. At the finish line, you pump the horse full of PCP and try to stay on as long as you can. Then, when you finally get thrown, you try to shoot the horse with a rifle. The winner is whoever's watching the whole thing.

9. They should match up race horses against race cars. To make it fair, they could give the horses rollerskates, and make the drivers ride on top of the cars.

10. Horse racing is really cruel. I wonder if it would be so popular if we made the jockeys carry the horses? To be fair, I guess it'd be more appropriate to use football players instead of jockeys. And, they should probably carry Shetland Ponies instead of full-grown horses. You know, this is starting to sound pretty cool! I'd totally go see it.

11. I went to the racetrack to see this thing called "harness racing." It was a total let-down! The place was just filthy and gross, the horses looked malnourished and sad, and the race was slow and boring. Oh, and there were no lions. For some reason, I was sure there'd be lions chasing the racers.

12. Have you ever tried Off-Track Betting? It's awesome! You get to sit around with a bunch of cool old guys and bet about what's going to happen on TV. The only bad part was that their TVs only got one channel. Once they get their cable fixed, I'm going to hang out there all the time!

13. My life is a lot like a race-horse's: my boss is always on my back telling me to hurry up; I always feel like I'm running around in circles; and when I have sex, I always feel used afterwards. Oh, and my name is Fine-n-Dandy.

14. I always thought the phrase "piss like a racehorse" was just a weird idiom. Well, I found out the hard way, it's not. You'd be better off drinking from a firehose.

15. Horse racing is all about discrimation. Just because I'm a 7-foot, 400-pound paraplegic, I guess I'm not "good enough" to participate. I know I could prove myself if they'd give me a shot, but they say they don't even have a ramp big enough to get my wheelchair onto the horse. What a bunch of crap.

16. One of the best things about horse racing is all the crazy names they have. Like this one: Olaf O'Brien. Ha! I mean, what are you, some sort of Irish Viking? Good luck riding a horse with your kilt and viking helmet, chief!

17. In dog racing, the dogs chase a fake rabbit around the track. They can't do that in horse racing, because horses don't eat rabbits. So they use a goat.

18. I really wanted to get into horse racing, but I'm too big: the jockeys couldn't get their legs around my waist.

19. I'm morally opposed to horses races -- I think you should judge a horse by what's inside, not the color of its skin.

20. The fun thing about betting on horse racing is that you're guaranteed to win! All you have to do is bet on all the horses.

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