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1. Grass fires in New Mexico last week caused the evacuation of 1300 residents. Why not pull out the last three people and make it the whole state?

2. "US Catholics, Sad and Angry, Still Keeping the Faith" This means that even though their priests have committed all these crimes, they're still willing to occasionally go to mass, lip-sync to some psalms, and drop a couple nickels in the collection plate before returning to their lives of hypocrisy and social neglect.

3. Law enforcement officials have seen a surge recently in robberies on small-town banks. Maybe this was caused by the recession and the rise in unemployment, or maybe it was caused by the many banks that have replaced their security guards with Sony Aibos.

4. Law enforcement officials have seen a surge recently in robberies on small-town banks. They believe this is a reaction to escalating ATM fees.

5. President Bush vowed to help Peru fight the Marxist rebels that have been attacking the country. Bush pointed out that he has hated Marx-reading cafe hippies since he was in college, and he would do everything he could to keep them away from Peru's immense coffee stockpiles.

6. VP Cheney is ready to meet with Yasir Arafat if he calls a cease fire. In preparation for this, Cheney has personally excavated an elaborate system of tunnels throughout Palestine, so that he can emerge from hiding where and when he is needed. "It was easy to dig through the arid soil, thanks to my claw-like nails and powerful incisors," said Cheney, wiping dirt from his brow.

7. The New York Police Department has widened the scope of its "Compstat" computerized statistics program to include such crimes as loud parties and barking dogs. The next upgrade to the program will also track rude glares, muttered swear words, and failures to say "excuse me" after burping.

8. Congress passed a law requiring libraries to use filtering software on their internet-connected computers. Librarians are upset, and with good cause: what else are they going to do, stuck in an empty library all day, except look at hard-core pornography?

9. There's a fire near the entrance to the Holland Tunnel, which has kept it closed to traffic recently. Why not smash a couple holes in the tunnel, and let all the water put out the fire? Then everyone could get on with their lives.

10. At the Academy Awards the other night, "A Beautiful Mind" won the Oscar for Best Picture. I'm glad it did, because that poor crazy Russell Crowe guy really deserves an award for all those numbers he wrote down.

11. "Shrek" won the Oscar for Best Animated Feature this year. "Shrek" was good, and as a fairy tale it was a lot like a cartoon, but putting a bunch of famous actors in funny suits doesn't make your movie animated.

12. US Special Forces in Kabul are beginning to train a new Afghan national army. It's very important for us to help them rebuild after spending so much money to destroy their old army, which we also trained decades ago. If we don't help them, they might not be there for us to beat up next time.

13. Hundreds are feared dead from an Afghan earthquake this weekend, injured by falling objects or trapped in collapsed buildings. Also, hundreds more are feared dead from bullets and shrapnel ripping through their flesh at high speed.

14. The IRS is worried about rampant tax evasion using offshore tax havens, like the Cayman Islands. To combat this, the IRS has asked very nicely that everyone "please stop pointing out the many holes in their system."

15. Jesse Helms has made a surprise move, changing his stance on providing federal money to combat the AIDS problem around the world. In an unrelated story, Helms announced that Mutamba Ponga, his young house boy and constant companion, was in the hospital with a touch of "the flu."

16. President Bush urged former President Jimmy Carter to visit Cuba, and to pressure Fidel Castro towards democratic reforms. He also urged former President Clinton to visit the Arkansas swamplands, so he could begin peace talks with Lex Luthor and the Legion of Doom.

17. A man in Germany was investigated when neighbors saw him carrying what appeared to be a dead body into his house. The "body" turned out to be a rubber sex doll, and the men expressed anger at the assumptions made about him: "Why would I want to have sex with a dead body? They're so cold and motionless."

18. A new study shows that the anthrax vaccine in current use has no effect on pregnancies or births. This opens the door for the use of babies in US Post Office facilities, where their size and absorbency makes them perfect for clean-up of complex sorting machines.

19. The Japanese government released a report urging young couples in Japan to have more children. There has been a marked decline in new births as young professionals concentrate on their careers, and with robot babies from Sony and Honda still years off, this could spell disaster for the Japanese economy.

20. The Consumer Confidence index surged in March, following a report last month that consumer confidence would soon surge. In other news, the new album from pop star Alanis Morrisette rose to the top of the charts, following industry predictions that her album would rise to the top of the charts.

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