1. Grass fires in New Mexico last week caused the evacuation of 1300
residents. Why not pull out the last three people and make it the whole
2. "US Catholics, Sad and Angry, Still Keeping the Faith" This means that
even though their priests have committed all these crimes, they're still
willing to occasionally go to mass, lip-sync to some psalms, and drop a
couple nickels in the collection plate before returning to their lives of
hypocrisy and social neglect.
3. Law enforcement officials have seen a surge recently in robberies on
small-town banks. Maybe this was caused by the recession and the rise in
unemployment, or maybe it was caused by the many banks that have replaced
their security guards with Sony Aibos.
4. Law enforcement officials have seen a surge recently in robberies on
small-town banks. They believe this is a reaction to escalating ATM fees.
5. President Bush vowed to help Peru fight the Marxist rebels that have
been attacking the country. Bush pointed out that he has hated
Marx-reading cafe hippies since he was in college, and he would do
everything he could to keep them away from Peru's immense coffee
6. VP Cheney is ready to meet with Yasir Arafat if he calls a cease fire.
In preparation for this, Cheney has personally excavated an elaborate
system of tunnels throughout Palestine, so that he can emerge from hiding
where and when he is needed. "It was easy to dig through the arid soil,
thanks to my claw-like nails and powerful incisors," said Cheney, wiping
dirt from his brow.
7. The New York Police Department has widened the scope of its "Compstat"
computerized statistics program to include such crimes as loud parties and
barking dogs. The next upgrade to the program will also track rude
glares, muttered swear words, and failures to say "excuse me" after
8. Congress passed a law requiring libraries to use filtering software on
their internet-connected computers. Librarians are upset, and with good
cause: what else are they going to do, stuck in an empty library all day,
except look at hard-core pornography?
9. There's a fire near the entrance to the Holland Tunnel, which has kept
it closed to traffic recently. Why not smash a couple holes in the
tunnel, and let all the water put out the fire? Then everyone could get
on with their lives.
10. At the Academy Awards the other night, "A Beautiful Mind" won the
Oscar for Best Picture. I'm glad it did, because that poor crazy Russell
Crowe guy really deserves an award for all those numbers he wrote down.
11. "Shrek" won the Oscar for Best Animated Feature this year. "Shrek"
was good, and as a fairy tale it was a lot like a cartoon, but putting a
bunch of famous actors in funny suits doesn't make your movie animated.
12. US Special Forces in Kabul are beginning to train a new Afghan
national army. It's very important for us to help them rebuild after
spending so much money to destroy their old army, which we also trained
decades ago. If we don't help them, they might not be there for us to
beat up next time.
13. Hundreds are feared dead from an Afghan earthquake this weekend,
injured by falling objects or trapped in collapsed buildings. Also,
hundreds more are feared dead from bullets and shrapnel ripping through
their flesh at high speed.
14. The IRS is worried about rampant tax evasion using offshore tax
havens, like the Cayman Islands. To combat this, the IRS has asked very
nicely that everyone "please stop pointing out the many holes in their
15. Jesse Helms has made a surprise move, changing his stance on providing
federal money to combat the AIDS problem around the world. In an
unrelated story, Helms announced that Mutamba Ponga, his young house boy
and constant companion, was in the hospital with a touch of "the flu."
16. President Bush urged former President Jimmy Carter to visit Cuba, and
to pressure Fidel Castro towards democratic reforms. He also urged former
President Clinton to visit the Arkansas swamplands, so he could begin peace
talks with Lex Luthor and the Legion of Doom.
17. A man in Germany was investigated when neighbors saw him carrying what
appeared to be a dead body into his house. The "body" turned out to be a
rubber sex doll, and the men expressed anger at the assumptions made about
him: "Why would I want to have sex with a dead body? They're so cold and
18. A new study shows that the anthrax vaccine in current use has no
effect on pregnancies or births. This opens the door for the use of
babies in US Post Office facilities, where their size and absorbency makes
them perfect for clean-up of complex sorting machines.
19. The Japanese government released a report urging young couples in
Japan to have more children. There has been a marked decline in new
births as young professionals concentrate on their careers, and with robot
babies from Sony and Honda still years off, this could spell disaster for
the Japanese economy.
20. The Consumer Confidence index surged in March, following a report last
month that consumer confidence would soon surge. In other news, the new
album from pop star Alanis Morrisette rose to the top of the charts, following
industry predictions that her album would rise to the top of the charts.