The assignment here was to write twenty jokes based on newspaper headlines.
U.S. PLANES POUND ENEMY AS TROOPS FACE TOUGH FIGHT
1. Maybe it wouldn't be such a tough fight if, instead of pounding them,
we started shooting them, or even blowing them up.
POCKETING SOFT MONEY TILL POCKET IS SEWN UP
2. Um, if you do that, you won't be able to get the money out. Duh.
3. So, while these senators are trying to stop contributions, they're
taking in as much money as they can. That's like talking about the big
diet you're starting through a mouthful of deep-fried cheesecake.
BEHIND LETTERMAN TURMOIL, AN ICY CLASH WITH HIS BOSS
4. This is what's great about the entertainment industry: even in the
middle of this crazy mess, these two men can relax and share the cool
refreshing taste of Pepsi's new Icy Clash(tm).
SWISS VOTE TO JOIN U.N.
5. The U.N. held a vote to see if Switzerland would be allowed to join.
The outcome was zero votes for, zero against, with 110 remaining neutral.
FROM 88 SEARCHLIGHTS, AN ETHEREAL TRIBUTE
6. This is a great idea! We make two big ghost buildings in the sky, and
when the terrorists return to the scene of the crime (like they always
do), they'll be so scared they'll surrender.
7. If we put up some buildings made out of light throughout the city, then
terrorists might be tricked into attacking them. Good luck blowing up
PEANUT PROPOSALS PUT A NEW WRINKLE ON FARM SUBSIDIES
8. Foreign bubblewrap importers are destroying our nation's foam peanut
farmers, and I say we do whatever we have to do to protect them.
WITH A NEW ALBUM, BARRY MANILOW FINDS HIMSELF BACK ON THE CHARTS
9. Unfortunately, the "charts" represent the humor value of failed
comebacks that never should have happened.
EXPERTS OUTLINE 'DIRTY BOMBS' THREAT
10. If all these 'dirty bombs' do is spread filth and grime, then we in
New York have nothing to fear.
11. I know these terrorists are strict muslims, but just because they
hate pornography doesn't mean they can use it as a weapon against us.
We Americans just eat that stuff up.
DEEPER DEFICIT SEEN IN BUSH BUDGET
12. Bush announced his new budget for the next decade. Maybe I'm an idiot
here, but isn't it a little presumptious for him to assume that he can
steal two more elections?
GEN. FRANKS MULLS MORE U.S. TROOPS
13. In the worst troop-mulling incident in recent years, General Tommy
Franks broke free from his handlers today and mulled more than a dozen
soldiers. The General was eventually captured, but Congress is already
calling for new mulling restraints.
ASTRONAUTS REPLACE HUBBLE POWER UNIT
14. Embarrassed astronauts today returned a Hubble Telescope power unit
that had been reported stolen. The unit was missing for more than a week.
The astronauts sheepishly claimed that they had only borrowed it, and
didn't think anyone would miss it. There are unconfirmed reports that
they were planning to use it to power a go-cart.
AIR POLLUTION LINKED TO LUNG CANCER
15. Specifically, the kind of air pollution that comes out of a cigarette
STEEL HOLDS CLUES TO WTC COLLAPSE
16. Drake Steel, local hero and man of mystery, today claimed to have
clues to the WTC Collapse that would "shake this city to its foundations."
Drake, born Darren Stanislaw, is perhaps best known for single-handedly
defending the city from invading pirates last year, while everyone else
was distracted at the Annual Cupcake Festival.
U.S., EGYPT VOW TO 'REDOUBLE' THEIR EFFORTS
17. President Bush expressed regret that the first attempt to 'double'
the efforts didn't seem to take: "We will redouble, and if that fails, we
shall reredouble, and so on, until these efforts do something."
POWELL TELLS SHARON TO RECONSIDER
18. US Secretary of State Colin Powell urged Sharon Cummings of the
"Park-n-Eat" diner to reconsider. Cummings had just refused to give
Powell extra gravy for his biscuits, even though he offered to pay extra.
"That's just so not cool," said Powell.
U.S. MAKES PROGRESS IN TERROR WAR
19. A US Army representitive today stated that they had a achieved a major
goal in the Terror War by capturing an enemy general, Freddy Krueger.
"This nightmare is very close to being over," the general continued.
PANEL SAYS ANTHRAX VACCINE IS SAFE
20. The world of science reeled in shock today, when a panel of faux-wood
wall-covering appeared to gain the ability to speak. "We were just
sitting there discussing the vaccine, when the wall started talking about
how safe it was," said biochemist Karen Hughes. "It was totally freaky."
The panel, a particle-glue composite with a wood-grain facade, has not
spoken again, and is being investigated very closely.