The assignment here was to write twenty jokes based on newspaper headlines.

U.S. PLANES POUND ENEMY AS TROOPS FACE TOUGH FIGHT

1. Maybe it wouldn't be such a tough fight if, instead of pounding them, we started shooting them, or even blowing them up.


POCKETING SOFT MONEY TILL POCKET IS SEWN UP

2. Um, if you do that, you won't be able to get the money out. Duh.

3. So, while these senators are trying to stop contributions, they're taking in as much money as they can. That's like talking about the big diet you're starting through a mouthful of deep-fried cheesecake.


BEHIND LETTERMAN TURMOIL, AN ICY CLASH WITH HIS BOSS

4. This is what's great about the entertainment industry: even in the middle of this crazy mess, these two men can relax and share the cool refreshing taste of Pepsi's new Icy Clash(tm).


SWISS VOTE TO JOIN U.N.

5. The U.N. held a vote to see if Switzerland would be allowed to join. The outcome was zero votes for, zero against, with 110 remaining neutral.


FROM 88 SEARCHLIGHTS, AN ETHEREAL TRIBUTE

6. This is a great idea! We make two big ghost buildings in the sky, and when the terrorists return to the scene of the crime (like they always do), they'll be so scared they'll surrender.

7. If we put up some buildings made out of light throughout the city, then terrorists might be tricked into attacking them. Good luck blowing up LIGHT, terrorists!


PEANUT PROPOSALS PUT A NEW WRINKLE ON FARM SUBSIDIES

8. Foreign bubblewrap importers are destroying our nation's foam peanut farmers, and I say we do whatever we have to do to protect them.


WITH A NEW ALBUM, BARRY MANILOW FINDS HIMSELF BACK ON THE CHARTS

9. Unfortunately, the "charts" represent the humor value of failed comebacks that never should have happened.


EXPERTS OUTLINE 'DIRTY BOMBS' THREAT

10. If all these 'dirty bombs' do is spread filth and grime, then we in New York have nothing to fear.

11. I know these terrorists are strict muslims, but just because they hate pornography doesn't mean they can use it as a weapon against us. We Americans just eat that stuff up.


DEEPER DEFICIT SEEN IN BUSH BUDGET

12. Bush announced his new budget for the next decade. Maybe I'm an idiot here, but isn't it a little presumptious for him to assume that he can steal two more elections?


GEN. FRANKS MULLS MORE U.S. TROOPS

13. In the worst troop-mulling incident in recent years, General Tommy Franks broke free from his handlers today and mulled more than a dozen soldiers. The General was eventually captured, but Congress is already calling for new mulling restraints.


ASTRONAUTS REPLACE HUBBLE POWER UNIT

14. Embarrassed astronauts today returned a Hubble Telescope power unit that had been reported stolen. The unit was missing for more than a week. The astronauts sheepishly claimed that they had only borrowed it, and didn't think anyone would miss it. There are unconfirmed reports that they were planning to use it to power a go-cart.


AIR POLLUTION LINKED TO LUNG CANCER

15. Specifically, the kind of air pollution that comes out of a cigarette smoker.


STEEL HOLDS CLUES TO WTC COLLAPSE

16. Drake Steel, local hero and man of mystery, today claimed to have clues to the WTC Collapse that would "shake this city to its foundations." Drake, born Darren Stanislaw, is perhaps best known for single-handedly defending the city from invading pirates last year, while everyone else was distracted at the Annual Cupcake Festival.


U.S., EGYPT VOW TO 'REDOUBLE' THEIR EFFORTS

17. President Bush expressed regret that the first attempt to 'double' the efforts didn't seem to take: "We will redouble, and if that fails, we shall reredouble, and so on, until these efforts do something."


POWELL TELLS SHARON TO RECONSIDER

18. US Secretary of State Colin Powell urged Sharon Cummings of the "Park-n-Eat" diner to reconsider. Cummings had just refused to give Powell extra gravy for his biscuits, even though he offered to pay extra. "That's just so not cool," said Powell.


U.S. MAKES PROGRESS IN TERROR WAR

19. A US Army representitive today stated that they had a achieved a major goal in the Terror War by capturing an enemy general, Freddy Krueger. "This nightmare is very close to being over," the general continued.


PANEL SAYS ANTHRAX VACCINE IS SAFE

20. The world of science reeled in shock today, when a panel of faux-wood wall-covering appeared to gain the ability to speak. "We were just sitting there discussing the vaccine, when the wall started talking about how safe it was," said biochemist Karen Hughes. "It was totally freaky." The panel, a particle-glue composite with a wood-grain facade, has not spoken again, and is being investigated very closely.