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1. To keep vermin like rabbits and bugs from invading your vegetable garden, saturate the soil with the most powerful poison you can find.

2. I wanted to take up gardening, and wound up getting in trouble with the law instead! My friend suggested that I start with some "potTED plants," and I misheard him. See, I thought he said "potted pants," and those are totally illegal.

3. The best thing about gardening is the relaxation -- it's so soothing to kneel down, get your hands dirty, and really create something. At least, I assume that's what Enrique, my gardener, likes about it. It's certainly not the money!

4. Gardening has a lot of benefits: the relaxation, the hobby community, the bounty of fresh vegetables year round. There's one major drawback, though: you have to work on it more than once.

5. Growing a garden is super easy -- you just throw some seeds on the ground, and then come back later and eat whatever's there. I can't believe farmers get paid to do this crap.

6. Here's the stupid part about gardening: you buy some seeds, and then weeks and weeks later, you might get to eat something. That's like buying eggs because you want some chicken in a few months, or buying milk because you want a steak next year.

7. Bugs were eating up my garden, so I went to the store and bought some spiders. They took care of the bugs, but then I had a garden covered in webs. I bought a bunch of birds and they ate the spiders right up, but then they wouldn't leave. So, I got some snakes to eat the birds, then some goats to eat the snakes, and finally some horses to eat the goats. Now everything's perfect!

8. Bugs were eating up my garden, so I went to the store and bought some spiders. They took care of the bugs, but then I had a garden covered in webs. I bought a bunch of birds and they ate the spiders right up, but then they wouldn't leave. So then I paid some kids to deal with it -- the went to the store and bought me some vegetables.

9. There's something so natural and wonderful about planting a seed into mother earth, watching it grow and mature, nurturing your creation for months and months -- and then ripping it from the ground and eating it.

10. I wanted to do something nice for my neighborhood, so I started a community garden in this empty lot. Then everyone gets all pissed at me, and it turns out it wasn't really empty -- a bunch of dead people live there.

11. I petitioned my landlord for months to let me start a rooftop garden, and finally she allowed it. Then, just when I'm starting up the thresher to harvest the first crop of wheat, she changes her mind. What a flighty freak!

12. Oh, I do a little "gardening," alright, but I don't mind the "weeds," if you know what I mean. I'm just growing "grass," you catch my drift? That's right, I'm talking about that wacky leaf -- crabgrass!

13. My friend the "gourmet" always goes on and on about the fresh spices he grows in his own garden. I tried it, but I couldn't find seeds for Lawry's Seasoning Salt.

14. If you're really good with plants, people say you have a "green thumb." Well, I'm so good with plants, I have a green hand! Yeah, I should probably have a doctor look at that.

15. You can grow your own food, but let me tell you, you can't grow oranges in your window box, no matter which side of the igloo you put it on.

16. I started a garden in my back yard, but all the plants kept dying. Finally I replaced them all with fake plants, and not only is it much easier to keep up, but I now have my own personal supply of fresh plastic fruit for table centerpieces.

17. I grew a prize-winning pumpkin in my garden, which was really cool, except that I was trying to grow roses.

18. I wanted to win the award for largest pumpkin at the state fair, so I bought a whole bunch of steroids and growth hormones, and buried them in the pumpkin patch. Then just before the fair, I dug 'em all up and took 'em, and then smashed all the other pumpkins.

19. Not only am I a vegan, but I eat only pure organic food that I grow myself, which consists of fruit that falls from the tree or vine naturally. I don't use any pesticides or other enhancements, and I only grow natural strains that haven't been bred for size or flavor, so the fruit is exactly the way it would be in the wild. ... I'm very, very hungry.

20. If you're going to start a garden, you'll need three things: good soil, ample light, and fresh water. Some people like to clutter up the equation with lots of extra shit -- pesticides, fertilizers, seeds. Not me. I'm happy with my bright, wet dirt.

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