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Fast Food

1. Remember that crazy "where's the beef" lady? I wonder what ever happened to her! What's that? She's dead? Oh. Damn, I bet when she got to heaven, there were a lot of angry ghost cows waiting for her.

2. I worked a lot in fast-food places to pay my way through high school. Yeah, I know *now* that high school doesn't cost money. I wish I knew what happened to all that money I made back then.

3. I really loved working the drive-thru, because it was so much fun to fuck with people. Like, maybe someone would ask for extra ketchup, and I'd give them pretty much the normal amount. Maybe a little extra, but not like EXTRA, ya know? And then you'd just know that guy was like totally freakin' out later!

4. The cool thing about McDonalds is they have like this whole pantheon of mascots. Ronald may be the most popular, but you know Mayor McCheese is the one running things. Grimace is the God of Shakes, and the Fry Guys are these creatures that embody pure and total love for french fries. And Hamburglar brings in this rogue element, a bit of danger and mystery. And then there's Birdy, I guess she's like a fucking talking bird or something.

5. I always thought it was cute that Dave Thomas named his restaurant after his daughter, Wendy. But then one day I realized that he's like a normal guy, and she's a *cartoon*. I mean, look at the sign -- she's a freakin' cartoon! What kind of unholy coupling brought that about? You never hear about the mother. I figure maybe she was something weird, like a painting, or a mime. And now that Dave Thomas is dead, that means Wendy is like half-dead. Do we really want some zombie cartoon RED-HEAD behind the wheel of our third-most-powerful fast food chain? I think not.

6. I used to have a job in the research division for McDonalds. You'd think it'd be easy creating new sandwiches -- like you just make the cheese a different color, or you put the tomato on top of the lettuce or whatever. But really, it's a lot of hard work. Almost every sandwich has already been invented, named and patented. Once I was developing a new type of beef fastener, and then just one week before launch, Burger King announced their new "sticky-burger". That was 2 years work, down the drain.

7. What's the deal with the toys in kid's meals now? They used to be cool things, like cars or dolls that you could actually play with. Now, they're just shitty movie tie-ins. I got one the other day that was just a plastic slice of cheese with Keanu Reeves' head sticking out of the top.

8. Taco Bell's slogan is "Make a run for the border," because after you eat there, you're totally going to have to make "a run" for that border! And by that, I mean the border of the Taco Bell and the lands outside of the Taco Bell, because you're not really allowed to stay there forever. Most of them close each night, and the others will kick you out eventually.

9. I thought I'd save money by serving fast food at my wedding, but it turned into a huge fiasco -- everyone had as much delicious food as they wanted, all at a reasonable price, and we were so healthy and happy afterwards that we decided to fix up this abandoned lot and turn it into a community park.

10. I'm trying that new Subway diet, where you eat as many of their subs as you can, as fast as you can, until you've lost all the weight you want. I had five steak & cheese subs for lunch today alone, and I can't "wait" to get home and weigh myself!

11. I'm glad that there are a lot of fast-food commercials for kids, with lots of toys and animated characters and stuff. Without all those commercials, kids might forget that they need to eat every day, because they're so stupid, and short.

12. I heard that "Colonel" Sanders isn't really a colonel at all! He's really just like an honorary colonel, with no real authority and no troops under him. He gets to march in parades and stuff, and wear the uniform, but he can't give commands. You do have to salute him though, which is what matters, I suppose.

13. The ironic thing about "fast food" is that it's neither "fast", nor is it "food". Okay, well I guest it counts as food, but fast? Barely. I've gotten faster food from, uh... um... fuck.

14. While I was in India, I stopped to eat lunch at this place called "Gandhi's Fast Food". I walked in, and there wasn't any food at all, just a bunch of super-skinny old Indian dudes laughing at me.

15. You remember The Noid? Dominos had that campaign where they told you to "Avoid The Noid." Unfortunately for them, the surest way to avoid The Noid was to never go to Dominos. It's probably a good business idea not to tell your potential customers to stay the fuck away from your mascot.

16. What's great about fast food is that you can experience the whole rainbow of animal food products in a single meal. You can have beef from a cow, bacon from a pig, chicken from a chicken, fish from a turtle, eggs from baby chickens... um, cheese from a different cow... bread from a, um... what is bread made from, bugs? Shit, I'm not eating bugs. Screw this shit.

17. I went to Burger King, and I asked for a whopper with no pickles, extra tomatos, and free. The kid at the register says, "Um, sir, I can't give that to you for free." So I said, "What does that sign say?" He says, "Sir, 'your way, right away' only applies to the toppings on the sandwiches." I said, "No, I meant that other sign." He says, "Sir, the motto 'sometimes you've gotta break the rules' only applies to the unspoken rules of mainstream fast-food service." Again, I say, "NO, I meant that OTHER sign." He pauses, and says, "Okay, I can see how you misinterpreted 'everything is free'. What it really means is..."

18. I love fast food, but I hate that the only meats you can get breaded and deep-fried are chicken and fish. They should take a ball of bacon, roll it in breading, deep-fry it, and then shove it on a bun with some thousand-island dressing. Even better would be some sort of "beef fingers", which would come with a bunch of dipping sauces, like "spicy honey brine" or "razzleberry horseradish". Why aren't they inventing this shit? I mean, I came up with that in like one minute.

19. Drive-thru breakfasts are such incredible time-savers. I've gotten so used to it, that now I can't even imagine having the time to slaughter a pig each morning before work.

20. You know what I realized? Fast food chains are really discriminatory to rich people. Rich people really love to spend tons of money on things, and you just can't do that at a McDonalds or Taco Bell. Sure, you could buy a whole lot of stuff, but that's entirely beside the point. If anything, rich people want to get *less* for their money, but they want to get something that no one else can afford. I think I'm going to start an exclusive fast-food place, where everything is ten times as much, and like twice as good. And also, they have shamrock shakes ALL YEAR ROUND.

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