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Electricity

1. One winter, when I was a kid, I dared a friend to lick the metal flag pole. He did it, and he ended up in the hospital. I guess he felt safe because we lived in Florida, and it was 85 degrees outside. What he didn't know was that I had electrified the pole.

2. This guy tried to tell me that Thomas Edison discovered electricity. I was like, what the fuck? Edison didn't discover electricity -- he invented it.

3. Electricity is made up electrons, tiny particles that also act like waves. This is very similar to water, which is made up of tiny particles called "drops," which also act like waves.

4. Electricity has enriched our world with many life-saving devices, such as the electric toothbrush, the electric television, and the electric chair.

5. The advent of alternating current brought electrical wiring to the home, replacing the old mechanical wiring that was so complex and inefficient.

6. You're told not to touch the third rail on the subway tracks, or you'll get electrocuted. It'd be a lot simpler and safer if they only used two rails, like other trains. Or maybe they could unplug that rail when people aren't using it.

7. You know how there's that electric meter on the side of your house? Well, that's how the electric company knows how much to charge you. I figured I could save money if that thing didn't work, so today I cut the electric lines that ran to it from the telephone poles. Well, that meter isn't running at all now, so there's no way they can charge me.

8. Another way you can save money on electricity is not to use all your outlets. If you use only half of them, you'll cut your bill in half too. You can save the most by plugging everything into outlet strips and extension cords, all plugged into one outlet. Preferably, that one outlet belongs to your neighbor.

9. I heard that electricity and magnetism are actually the same thing. If that's true, why doesn't my computer work when I unplug it and fill it with refrigerator magnets?

10. Why do regular batteries always say on the package, "Do not recharge"? Well, of course they don't want me to recharge them -- the battery companies would be out of business! Maybe I'm just an incredibly handsome rebel, but I do it anyways. All you have to do is plug the batteries into the wall for a while -- when the acid starts leaking, you know they're ready.

11. This conspiracy nut I know was trying to tell me that Nikolai Tesla invented all these things, like a way to transmit electric current through the air for free. What bullshit! If Tesla had really invented that stuff, the corporations would've ruined him, buried all his work, and destroyed all the evidence. Clearly, that hasn't happened.

12. The problem with the electric chair is that it's so wasteful -- I bet an electric gun would use a lot less power.

13. I wanted to be a mad scientist for a while, but to be taken seriously, you need a static generator, a Jacob's ladder, one of those glass balls with the sparks in it, and maybe some strobes or a cool remote-control dimmer switch. There's no way I could afford all that stuff. Plus, I'm not so much "mad" at science as I am "bad."

14. Electricity and water don't mix. If you try to put them together, the electricity keeps settling to the bottom, no matter how much you stir it.

15. The one thing that separates humans from all other animals is electricity. Well, an electric fence, at least. Let's see 'em get past that.

16. The difference between an electric appliance and an electronic appliance is that electric appliances run on electricity.

17. A "black out" is when the power is out everywhere. A "brown out" is when the power is working, but there's not enough for everything. A "white out" is when the power is okay -- maybe a little too okay.

18. They say not to use electric appliances in the bathtub, but then, how am I supposed to get all this wood cut? With a hand saw? That'd take forever.

19. If there's ever a nuclear war, you'll want to have an electric generator around. Things are going to be pretty boring for a while, and you'll want to play video games, and maybe microwave some popcorn.

20. Being a meter reader for the electric company has its perks. First, it's totally legal for you to trespass on people's land, any time you want. Also, if there's a pie cooling on a windowsill, you're allowed to have a slice -- two if you're really hungry. And, of course, there's the awesome uniform. You get to keep that, even if you're fired for eating too much pie.

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