The assignment here was to write twenty jokes that "bridged" two of the
previous topics. If you wanted to create a mediocre stand-up routine out
of my material, you would use these jokes as segues between topics.
1. Whenever I'm late for work, I use the excuse that the trains were
running late. That worked for a while, but now that I'm late every day,
my boss keeps telling me to get up earlier, as if *that* is going to make
the trains go faster. What an idiot!
2. Another great way to keep your vacation on a budget is to use public
transit. I took a bus from New York to Florida for a week vacation
recently -- not only was the fare half the cost of a plane ticket, but I
also saved on hotels, because I only spent one night there!
3. The other thing I love about the subway is the selection of delicious,
nutritious sandwiches, each fresh and affordable. Oh, wait, I'm
confusing. I was thinking of Blimpie's.
4. I may not sleep enough at home, but I can usually catch up on the
subway. It works outs well, except for these recurring dreams of homeless
people licking me while I sleep. That used to creep me out, but I arrive
at work refreshed and squeaky-clean, so I can't really complain.
5. The mayor also wants to raise subway fares, because he says the system
isn't making enough money. A lot of people are upset about this, but I
support him. The subway has to make its money, and it's not like it's
really going to affect my life much -- I always jump the turnstile.
6. You know, the post office is a lot like the subway system: they may not
be the fastest or the best way to do things, but they're cheap, and they
pretty much get the job done. Oh, and they both provide public restrooms,
if you count those big blue mailboxes. Which i do.
7. Plus, my jerk boss wouldn't let me take all my vacation time. See, I
get 5 days of vacation, and there's 24 hours in a day. That works out to
120 hours of vacation. Divide that by a 40-hour work week, and it's clear
that I have three weeks of vacation coming to me.
8. My boss took everyone out for lunch the other day, and made a big deal
about how generous she was being. She took us to White Castle, though,
and got only 5 sandwiches and one package of fries. And then she made us
all watch as she ate them. What a cheapskate.
9. I slept in late the other day, and my boss called and was freaking out
at me. He's like, "Will you be in soon, or will I have to fire you?" So
I said, "Man, if I could see the future, do you think I'd be working at
10. I told my boss that I need to take a little nap after lunch once in a
while, and he seemed totally cool with that. So I'm in my jammies, and
I'm just nodding off, when he starts freaking out, opening the shades and
turning on all the lights in our office, like he has no idea what's going
11. My boss had this crazy idea to run for mayor. I said to him, "Listen:
you inherited this business, you have no idea how to run it or how to
manage people, and you've never worked an honest day in your life. You
can't speak, you don't even know your own opinions, and you've never held
office before." He said, "Joe, you're right. What was I thinking? I
should run for the senate!" He won by a landslide. (Literally, a
landslide killed his opponent.)
12. My boss treats me like his servant -- he had me drop off his taxes at
the post office for him, like he couldn't do it himself. Well, I was sure
to tell the postal workers just how important that mail was, and how their
normal incompetent buffoonery wouldn't be good enough for this mail. I
feel pretty confident that they "took care" of it.
13. Another good way to save money at Disney is to bring your own food
with you, instead of using all the expensive park restaurants. I went to
Taco Bell and filled a suitcase with 7-Layer Burritos for about $60, and
then dined like a Mexican king all week long!
14. To me, the best vacations are the ones you take each night in your own
bed, thanks to the magic of the human brain, and also the magic of
prescription cough syrup.
15. There's been a big hub-bub lately about Mayor Bloomberg going on
vacation lately and not telling anyone where he's going. He says it's his
own business, and I have to agree with him -- I mean, what part of the
phrase "public office" implies he should be "exposed to general view"?
16. I went on a two-week vacation recently, and had my mail held while I
was gone. When I got back, I went to the post office and asked for it.
The guy says, "Oooooh, you wanted it back, huh? That sucks for you."
17. One thing I do when I'm having trouble sleeping, is to pack myself
full of french fries and shakes and other fast food. I eat as much as I
can, and then I'm wisked away to slumberland. Okay, well, it's more like
I'm rushed to the emergency room, but I'm unconscious, and that's what
18. I'm not really into local politics, but I really love our mayor. He's
surrounded by clowns, crooks, and fat-headed idiots, and yet he manages to
run things with a silent strength that not many people have. Plus, his
head is a delicious double-cheeseburger.
19. Some people want to privatize the post office, and have it run like a
big national fast food chain. I guess then instead of the mail being slow
and inconsistent, we'd all get the same crappy letter a bit more quickly.
Oh, and the letters would slowly poison you. That sounds great.
20. The post office has helped me to sleep a lot better -- when I go to
pick up my mail, I can usually get a good hour or so of shut-eye waiting