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Bosses

1. I was looking through the classifieds, and I saw this ad to work at home. "Be your own boss," it said. Well, my last job was working for a lazy, no-talent asshole, so there's no way I'm doing that again.

2. Being my own boss sounds good in theory, but I don't think I'm flexible enough to kiss my own ass. And if I was that flexible, I'd probably never get out of bed.

3. I call my wife and I tell her, "The boss is coming over for dinner." She says she'll get things ready. I get home, and she's dressed up in leather and chains and clown make-up, and the living room is full of jello. I'm like, "Honey! What the hell is going on? Mr. Beaumont's going to be here any minute!" And she says, "Mr. Beaumont? I thought you meant Bruce Springsteen!"

4. My boss is always going on and on about how I have to pay more attention to details. At least, I think that's my boss.

5. It's almost quitting time, and my boss says to me, "Hey, let's grab a drink at the pub." So I said, "Sorry, but I have even *one* more drink today, I'm totally going to puke."

6. I've found that the worst part about being a manager, is when your employees don't respect you. Well, unless you're an incompetent, worthless buffoon like my boss, in which case, that's the worst part.

7. I keep dreaming about my boss. I'll be having a normal dream, and then my boss will show up and start chasing me or something. I wake up in a cold sweat and I can't get back to sleep, so I crawl out from under my desk and go back to work for a while.

8. I made a big mistake at the last office Christmas Party. I got my boss this great gift, but I forgot that she's Jewish, and I guess they don't use tombstones.

9. My boss is such an ass. I asked for some time off months in advance, got all the paperwork signed and filed and okayed, and I'm thinking everything's cool. Then the first day of my vacation comes, and I'm just starting to relax, and he's like, "Get the hell out of my house." What a dick.

10. The best way to deal with your boss is flattery, not criticism. Instead of saying, "You're a petty, controlling waste of human flesh," try: "Nice haircut, you petty, controlling waste of human flesh."

11. You really shouldn't tell your boss that she has a great ass, unless you're totally sure she's a woman.

12. I had this boss that was always taking credit for my work. Finally, I just couldn't take it any more, so I left the priesthood.

13. I had this boss who insisted on talking to me while I was using the bathroom. It was really bugging me, so finally I said to her, "Caroline, could we talk about this later?"

14. I had this boss who insisted on talking to me while I was using the bathroom. It was really bugging me, so finally I had to give up on the adult diapers.

15. I had this boss who insisted on talking to me while I was using the bathroom. It was really bugging me, so finally I said to him, "I really need to get back to bed. Can we talk about this at work tomorrow?"

16. At the company picnic, if your boss asks you to team up for the three-legged race, she probably isn't asking for a quickie behind the gazebo. Probably.

17. Try to remember that your boss is a human being, not a mindless automaton. He has thoughts, and feelings, and desires, just like anyone else. Also, he can be killed.

18. Engaging in a romantic relationship with your boss can add extra stress and complexity to the work environment, and should definitely be avoided. Emotionless hard-core sex, on the other hand, is just fine.

19. My boss asked me to stay late the other day, so I did. The next morning, she asks me if I finished the project, and I'm like, "Um, you asked me to stay late, not work late."

20. I've learned this the hard way: don't mess around with the boss's spouse. Also, don't screw the boss's sisters, brothers, parents, or children. I'm not sure yet, but probably the whole family is off-limits. So far, I'm about half- way through the second cousins, and my boss just keeps getting angrier.

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