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Birds

1. What do the Cardinals, the Blue Jays, and the Mighty Ducks have in common? They're all groups of things.

2. What do "Chicken Run", "Bird on a Wire" and "The Crow" all have in common? They all have a 'c' in them, except for "Bird on a Wire". It has a 'b' in it.

3. People who put out food for birds are stupid. Birds don't eat food. They eat worms.

4. Penguins are an oddity in the world of nature, because they are the only birds who cannot fly. The same thing goes for ostriches.

5. In the northern hemisphere, birds fly south in the winter and north in the summer. In the southern hemisphere, they do the exacty opposite: they fly north in the summer, and south in the winter.

6. It never fails: no sooner have I finished washing my car, when a bunch of birds fly by, notice how shiny and clean it is, and steal it.

7. You may've heard of the donkey that played football, or the chimp that played hockey, but did you know there was a bird that played basketball? Maybe you've heard of Larry Bird, the famous Boston Celtics? Well, the bird was a friend of his.

8. I find it very relaxing to go to the park and feed the pigeons with the old people. It's just so therapeutic, breaking the old people into tiny, bite-sized pieces.

9. Bird-hunting is pretty easy these days, with our powerful rifles and high-tech bird dogs, but it wasn't always this way. Used to be you'd hunt birds with stones, which are a lot harder to throw than guns. Before stones were invented, all you could do was throw a handful of water and hope the bird drowned.

10. I bought that big Audubon Society Bird Guide, but it turned out to be a total rip-off. There's not a single good recipe in it!

11. I was doing some research recently, and I found something interesting. It turns out that chickens aren't really birds, but are actually a type of sandwich.

12. Perhaps the most well-known inmate in the history of the American prison system was the famous Birdman of Alcatraz. It is believed that he looked a little like a bird, or maybe his name was "Bird".

13. On my 14th birthday, my dad decided to tell me about the birds and the bees. We walked out back, past the henhouse, past the apiary, past the ol' porn shack. Then he got distracted by something, and died. I never did find out what he wanted to tell me.

14. The Phoenix is a mythical bird that is periodically consumed in flames, only to rise from the ashes, reborn. Phoenix, on the other hand, is a city in Arizona where burning down a warehouse gets you 7-10 years.

15. When I was a kid, my favorite part of Thanksgiving was after the meal, when Grandma would pick pick two of the kids to break the wishbone. We'd grab it with our greasy little hands, and try with all our might to break it. Now that I'm an adult, I can buy a turkey any time I want, and I can rip the whole thing apart with my bare hands, no problem. And because I get both halves of the wishbone, all my wishes come true.

16. I put a birdhouse in my yard, and some birds moved in right away. Then yesterday I was peeking in their windown, and I found that they'd built a nest inside. What the hell? I bought them a house so they wouldn't have to live in filth. I guess some people just like living that way.

17. A good way to make a little extra money is to build birdhouses out of scrap wood, and then rent them out to homeless birds.

18. It takes at least twelve geese to stuff a single queen-sized comforter, or as many as thirty if you only use the feathers.

19. There's nothing more majestic and inspiring than the mighty American Bald Eagle. That's why I had one stuffed and mounted in my cubicle. It really helps me get through the day.

20. There once was a poor man who had no bed to sleep in or food to eat. One day a magical, golden chicken appeared before him, and offered to grant him three wishes. That night, he slept on a soft feather pillow, his belly filled with a delicious meal. Then, for his first wish...

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