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Ancient Egypt

1. I heard that The Sphinx was supposed to be a cross between an eagle, a lion, and a man. Well, I went to check it out, and it turns out it's actually a cross between a sand castle, a statue, and a pile of shit.

2. The ancient Egyptians were pretty stupid. They worshipped a bunch of gods that looked like people, but with animal heads. Today, we're smart enough to see these creatures for what they are: team mascots.

3. They say it's a big mystery how the pyramids were ever built. I bet how it worked is the pharaoh told some guy he'd give him $10 if he brought in ten friends, and they'd each get $10 for bringing in ten friends, and so on and so forth. And then when they all showed up, he enslaved them and made them build his pyramid.

4. The ancient Egyptian empire was amazing -- it lasted for thousands of years. How did they manage to keep this empire intact for so long? The first step was building their empire in the middle of a huge desert, so that no one in their right mind would to want to invade.

5. The first ice cream in history was invented in steamy ancient Egypt. Of course, it was very different back then -- instead of cream, it was made of sand. Instead of being iced, it was baked until super-hot. And instead of being a delicious treat, it was a form of torture. Yum!

6. You always hear about that time when the Jews were pissed at their boss, the pharaoh, so Moses called down all these plagues until the pharaoh eased up. Well, I think that pharaoh dude has gotten a bum rap -- all he did was act like a boss, and when they didn't like it, rather than file a complaint or form a union or whatever, that start tossing out threats. Next thing you know, there's LOCUSTS involved. C'mon, locusts? That shit just ain't right.

7. The egyptians had this complicated mummification process -- days of preparation and preservation so the pharaoh's body would last forever in the afterlife. They'd go through all this trouble and mess, and then they'd remove the dead guy's brain. Um, excuse me? Who wants to spend an eternity without a brain? It's because of this idiotic mistake that we now have to deal with mindless killer mummies rising from their graves all the time.

8. The ancient egyptians are sometimes credited with inventing the first comics, with their pictographic hieroglyphics. You'd hardly recognize them though -- their pathetic superheroes had crappy powers like "talking to camels" and "extra-vulnerability".

9. All the pharaohs are dead, the pyramids are wearing away, and no one speaks in hieroglyphics any more -- but the majesty, nobility and might of the Egyptian Empire lives on, through ankh necklaces, mummy movies, and those tattoos that look like eyes or whatever.

10. Archaeologists get so excited every time they find another dusty old tomb of some long-dead egyptian dude, and yet they won't pay me even $20 for a nice fresh corpse from the Cairo cemetery. Cheap bastards.

11. Archaeologists spend all this time worrying about dead mummies and shit. Man, climb out of that pit and look around -- there's plenty of REAL, LIVE Egyptians all around you. Stop messing around with their dead grandparents and just talk to them.

12. I went to Las Vegas recently, and stayed at that hotel that's shaped like a pyramid and themed like old Egypt. It was really, surprisingly authentic -- just like in King Tut's time, the buffets are awesome, and you get free jello shots while you're playing blackjack.

13. Cleopatra is known as one of the most beautiful women in all of history -- she was desired by Julius Caesar and Marc Anthony, and she played them to preserve her nation and her people's freedom. That's great and all, but if no one else is going to say it, I will -- she had a FAT ASS.

14. There's been all these movies about imaginary old dudes -- Julius Caesar, Spartacus, Moses. It's really great to see an authentic hero like the Scorpion King finally getting some attention.

15. If a mummy ever jumps out of some tomb at you, don't let him know how long he's been dead. That's the last thing they want to hear. Talk in ancient Egyptian, and if you're wearing a digital watch, hide it. And don't talk about sports or politics, because that'll totally give it away.

16. You've heard the stories of the Sphinx: it was a half-man, half-beast abomination that would ask people ridiculous riddles, and if they couldn't answer correctly, it'd slaughter them. Now, I don't know about you, but my first thought is: let's build a huge fucking statue of that! Yeah!

17. The Library of Alexandria was famous in the ancient world for its immense collection of books on all subjects. They also had a small selection of videos that were mostly crappy and old, but they were free, so no one really complained.

18. I was thinking of building myself a pyramid for when I die. I think it'd be so awesome if in like a hundred years, these future dudes discover my tomb and think that I was king or something.

19. You know why the ancient Egyptian Empire lasted for thousands of years? Because there weren't any Americans around yet to kick their ass! If we'd been around them, we would've beat them down with a quickness, just like we did with the Byzantines, and Rome. USA #1!

20. Ancient Egyptians must've been pretty snooty -- they were always insisting on their own special names for things. Instead of kings, they had to be called "pharaohs"; instead of coffins, they had "sarcophagi"; and instead of lumpy-stink-cows, they had "camels". Well, LA-DEE-DA.

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