Tonight, thousands of Americans will enjoy a midnight snack. Many of them will do this without even waking up. How do they do it, you ask? Maybe you'd like to be able to grab a treat without interrupting your pleasant dreams? Chances are that you already do, and you don't even know it. But this dream is more of a nightmare, because the snack I'm talking about has eight legs, dozens of eyes, and a nasty disposition. That's right: SPIDERS.

Even by conservative estimates, the average American eats more than 100 spiders each year, all while sleeping. I have my quarrels with the conservatives, but on this point we agree: these spiders must be stopped. Consider these numbers: in your lifetime, you may consume between zero and a million spiders. Besides being disgusting, this gluttony contributes to the severe national problems of obesity, tooth decay, and spider extinction. Now, more than ever, we need our spiders to be catching killer bees, malaria-infected mosquitos, and other nasties.

What can you do to help? Again, I find myself reluctantly siding with the conservatives. The Liberal initiative to change the spiders' behavior through education has failed miserably. The only solution left is one that we've had all along, right at our bedsides: a rubber-ball mouth gag. Studies have shown that by wearing a standard, run-of-the-mill rubber gag, as can be found at your local drug store, spider intake can be cut by as much as 70%. Some people may find that they inadvertantly remove the gag during the night, and in such cases I advise the use of common household restraints, such as leather straps or handcuffs. There is some evidence that certain oils and lotions may aid in repelling the spiders, but until conclusive results are established, these should only be used as supplements to the oral plug.

By remembering these simple instructions at the end of each day, you can do your part to save this great country of ours, and put spiders back where they belong: not in our mouths.